i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
