need another drink. this is the easiest way
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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