ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
