I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
