There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
