you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
