I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
