I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
