You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
