Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
