The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
