dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
