I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
