No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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