you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
