I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
