her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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