Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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