I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
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