kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
