I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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