i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
