Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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