My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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