And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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