Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
