When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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