you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
