how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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