Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
