My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
