So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
that's an acceptable place to lick
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
