Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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