you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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