All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
