I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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