Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
