I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
