If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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