it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think i got beer on your cat.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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