you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
