Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
