Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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