dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
