I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
