You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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