she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
