Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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