there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
