upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
