For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
