Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
