Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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